Too tired to fight... I feel myself kind of that sometimes.
A lot of no “reasons”, “why”, questions that can punch tougher than a real blow, right there, in the glass chin. Everyone has to deal to broken pieces and has to learn how to fix them, what seems even harder.
I’ve heard a sentence some days ago: That we shall kill the ancient parts of our beings to be a new person at each day. To kill the child we were once to be a teenager, to kill the early student to be a college guy, to kill the college times to be a well-succeeded people in the world of enterprises and work.
But if it has to be so, what about the big hole inside of the soul, in each room of those “killed” moments? How can I kill the very history of mine, from the small steps and emotions, to the great conquests and experiences? How can I be someone different from whom I was, so different up to the point where I erased everything in order to be always someone else – better? – in the future?
Every moment captured an essence of mine, and of course the view grows and gets wider as time goes by, like we’re getting more and more sight to see. But that prime essence is living in every act, in every thought, in all that the hands touched, that the eyes saw and the ears heard. It can’t be killed as long as the whole world - even the inner world - has received that like a fruit. How can we kill the breed, the offspring of ourselves that got spread along the way of our lives? If so, killing all those parts every season, we are signing on the dotted line, right in the bottom of the page where we have written our whole lives down, and then posted a stamp later: “LIE”. Quite red and big stamp upon everything that we’ve lived that far. Only so it fits, if we’ve lived a lie during all the time, a big role on which we pretended to be someone unknown and obscure…
There are times when we feel like that: unknown and obscure, doing the things without meaning, taking the wrong decisions. I do believe that it happens only when we’re inattentive. When there’s a shadow upon our hearts, but we don’t pay attention to it because it is so small, so unnoticeable… Those are the moments when we take the wrong decisions, when we think that it is all worth killing inside:
When the song plays, but we hate it the most. It is not the song, because the very other day before you have found it great and beautiful.
When the weather bothers you. If it is raining, you want sun, when it is sunny, you wish it could be snowing. When it is snow, you wish it could be under the sea, mountains climate, in a coast of a big cliff…
It is not the out there what moves with us, it is us who create a wide world of our own inside and receive that information from the outside the way it fits in our mood during the day, the years.
Every and each season has its bright side, everything has the good and the bad in its own essence. Even us. Even a drop of rain. It may kill an ant, it may wash a fresh paint away from a wall, it can overflow, it can curly your hair when you want it straight without frizz. But right there, as the drop streams on your hand, you can see its other side, as that drop of rain can fulfill the bed of the rivers, can kill the thirst of a whole nation, can make the tree grows and flourish, can wash the dirty on the streets, can clean the air, can give life to the world.
Look at yourself right now. Look at the mirror and tell yourself what you see: what’s going thru your eyes? What the world may expect from you this right moment? What the music may wait from your feelings? Shall it fear you or shall the song plays and stream the way it is at real? Shall the sun shine to your very senses or shall the rain fall only to make you feel better today? What you may expect from you today? That you shall “kill” many parts of your own being to be a better unknown person in a future?
When we know a thing more than enough, and have too much of that thing, we get sick of it.
When we don’t know a thing and have a little bit of a thing, we fear it. We fear knowing, we fear losing it.
When we know and have only the enough to the entire life, we live a healthy life. We shall sight the entire life of ours, in a glance, and shall measure how much of each age and learning we shall carry on and how much we shall leave along the way.
But always paying attention to that someone who’s there, behind the looking-glass. That someone is eternal. It is you, who will never die, never, there inside of your history of life.
Treasures
